Life Jokes One Life
I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
I named my hard drive "dat ass" so once a month my computer asks if I want to 'back dat ass up'.
What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I sometimes watch birds and wonder "If I could fly who would I shit on?"
Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn't know who he was.
I'm really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.
The reward for a job well done is more work.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake.
Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
See more: Short jokes for adults
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