Ugly Baby Joke--Life Fun

Ugly Baby Joke

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said.

"I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said.

"Here, let me hold your monkey."

Funny Life Quotes--Life Fun

Funny Life Quotes

If I don't log into Facebook two days in a row, call the police, someone must've kidnapped me! 

Anonymous

Taking a shower is awesome, it makes you feel nice and clean, makes you sound like a great singer, and helps you make all of life's decisions. 

Anonymous

I live my life one weekend at time, for those two days nothing else matters, I am FREE. 

CoolFunnyQuotes

When you're thinking that I'm thinking of you, I'm thinking you're thinking of me. 

Anonymous

Growing up is amazing, until you get old! 

Anonymous

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory. 

Mark Twain

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens. 

Woody Allen

When I was small I thought money and fame brought all the happiness in the world. Now that I'm grown up, I know I was right. 

Anonymous

The secret of success is to go from mistake to mistake without losing your enthusiasm. 

Anonymous

I had an extremely busy day, converting oxygen into carbon dioxide. 

Anonymous

Sometimes you succeed.... and other times you learn. 

Robert Kiyosaki

Why Rednecks Make Good Soldiers--Life Fun

Why Rednecks Make Good Soldiers

Dear Ma & Pa:

        Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

        I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water.

        Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

        We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

        The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none.

        This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

        Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.

Car Accident--Life Fun

Car Accident

 A badminton player and a tennis player get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are heavily damaged, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. 

After they crawl out of their cars, the tennis player spots the other's tennis gear and says, "So you're a badminton player, that's interesting. 

I'm a tennis pro... Gosh! Just look at our cars, there's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." The badminton player replied: 

"I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!" The tennis player continued, 

"And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune." 

Then he hands the bottle to the badminton player. 

The badminton man nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big gulps from the bottle, then hands it back to the tennis pro. 

The tennis pro takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the badminton player. 

The badminton player asks, 

"Aren't you having any?" 

The tennis pro replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police to turn up and sort this out..." 

The Blind Guy Polemic--Life Fun

THE BLIND GUY POLEMIC

An almost blind guy walked into a sexy lingerie shop to purchase their most see-through item for his wife. 

After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $600 and brought it home for his wife to try on. 

She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit. 

But, she figured, since it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all. 

So she came downstairs completely naked.

"Huh," said the old man, hugging her. 

"For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."

CIA Assassin test--Life Fun

CIA Assassin test

        The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists. two men and a woman.

        For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

        The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

        The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

        Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Old Lady--Life Fun

Old Lady

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, 

"I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, 

"I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the old lady returns. 

"Doctor," she says, 

"I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens." The doctor says, 

"Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

Sunny Day Quotes--Life Fun

Sunny Day Quotes 

Great quotes about sunny day.

Sunny Day Quotes

1. Keep your face to the sun and you will never see the shadows.

- Helen Keller

 

2. If you only walk on sunny days you'll never reach your destination.

- Paulo Coelho

 

3. Sweet is the memory of distant friends! Like the mellow rays of the departing sun, it falls tenderly, yet sadly, on the hear.

- Washington Irving

 

4. Sunny - If you can explain yourself before someone kicks your ass, count your blessings and give some thought to going back to the priesthood.Nick - I would, but now-a-days that vow of chastity might be a problem.

- J.A. Dennam

 

5. What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity. These are but trifles, to be sure; but scattered along life's pathway, the good they do is inconceivable.

- Joseph Addison

 

6. I've seen fire and I've seen rain I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend But I always thought that I'd see you again.

- James Taylor

 

7. He who binds to himself a joy Does the winged life destroy; But he who kisses the joy as it flies Lives in eternity's sun rise.

- William Blake

 

8. Life brings darkness so many times, and we feel down in this phase of darkness. But the true value of darkness only realizes when we face the darkness, until we look some sunshine within the darkness.

- John Magoss

 

9. I'm very sunny. You know, I'm always optimistic.

- Paul Begala

 

10. There is a muscular energy in sunlight corresponding to the spiritual energy of wind.

- Annie Dillard

 

11. A garden is to be a world unto itself, it had better make room for the darker shades of feeling as well as the sunny ones. 

- William Kent

 

12. We must leave this terrifying place to-morrow and go searching for sunshine.

- F. Scott Fitzgerald

 

13. Life was never meant to be a struggle, just a gentle progression from one point to another, much like walking through a valley on a sunny day.

- Stuart Wilde

 

14. Change, like sunshine, can be a friend or a foe, a blessing or a curse, a dawn or a dusk.

- William Arthur Ward

 

15. Who cares about the clouds when we’re together? Just sing a song and bring the sunny weather. 

- Dale Evans

 

16. The sun rises, the sun falls, the wind blows and the birds sing no matter where you are. These are experiences that unite us all... something we can all enjoy together

- Melanie Charlene

 

17. But on a clear, sunny day? How would she know to flee when she couldn't see any place for danger to hide?

- Stephenie Meyer

 

18. Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves.

- J. M. Barrie

 

19. On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings. 

- Erma Bombeck

 

20. Laughter is magic that dispenses clouds and creates sunshine in the soul.

- Richelle E. Goodrich, Smile Anyway: Quotes, Verse, & Grumblings for Every Day of the Year