Jokes About Life Being Hard Everyday
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".
When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".
I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.
You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.
Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.
I sometimes watch birds and wonder "If I could fly who would I shit on?"
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
Is google a woman? Because it won't let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I've been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now, I think I'll start calling them traditions.
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